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  • Gabie

Entry 03: Lost in Found

And now that I have identified my fears and traumas in my writing journey I will tell you who the real culprit to my writing woes is: me. I am my own worse enemy. I doubt myself and repeat the abuse each and every day. I doubt my ability to write and create as if it isn't what I have been doing since before I knew what an existential crisis was.

I am writing this article after having one of the most mentally draining days thus far. In the morning, I was already convinced that I had absolutely nothing to offer anyone and by noon I was knee deep in depressive anti-creative thoughts. I laugh at my delirium because I know it all to be lies. Everything that I tell myself is the exact opposite of the truth. The lies:

I am not a good writer. I will never finish my work. I am not truly creative at all. I have nothing to offer anyone. My ideas will flop and be unsupported by everyone. I will never get over this hump. I will not see the day where my work is complete and my entrepreneurship is as solid as I have imagined since childhood. I am lost and not on the right track. I won't ever find my way.

I tell myself these lies as if they are fact. As if the contrary isn't so obviously supported. The truth is that I am a darn good writer. I am and have always been. I have already finished my first book, "Enchant Your Life - 7 Tips On Living Happily Ever After", and it's ready to send to the editor. I just don't have $600 for the editor. I am and have always been creative. I create somethings out of nothings and everyone is always intrigued. My ideas are so brilliant that I amaze myself and when I tell others, they get excited and want to be a part of it. Everyone supports me, the truth is though, sometimes I don't want them to support me and I reject it in a self-sabotaging sort of way. I am an entrepreneur, and although there are some things that I would like to iron out regarding my entrepreneurship, I am living my childhood dream! I have found my way. I am on the right track. Finally, I'm really on the right track.

I create somethings out of nothings and everyone is always intrigued...I am on the right track. Finally...

But here's the thing: I am finally on the right track and it's a path that I have not ever taken before. It's not pathed and it's completely foreign. I don't recognize anything. No turn, no cross streets, no point of reference. I have found my way but it is a way so unfamiliar that it scares me. So foreign that I don't feel safe. I feel lost even though I'm found.

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